Beginners guide to Marriage

Beginners guide to Marriage: The basics of a marital relationship and how to make it work

It’s that time of the year when a lot of people willingly or unwillingly tie the knot, take their vows, only to forget them soon after. But all of this would not happen if we all know what to expect right? That’s exactly what this article is about. Giving you a heads-up on what to expect; how to make it happen and how to keep it together?

First things first - Marriages all over the world are the same; they all lead to two individuals living together, with or without the rest of the family. So if you think this article is not for you, I’d suggest you read with an open mind.

To begin with, there has to be a reason to get married. Just because it’s the marriage season, just because your parents think you should get married now. Just because your best friend got married last year and you don’t want to be left behind; are not the kind of reasons you want to get married for. Here’s a list of reason why you shouldn’t or shout get married.

List of wrong reasons for getting married

Looking for happiness – Happiness doesn’t come from marriage; responsibilities do

Looking for money – Though this can happen, however money will only mean that you’d get trapped deeper and deeper every minute of the relationship

Looking for company and to kill loneliness – The most common reason people get married. However, if this is the reason for you getting married; trust me within 6 months you would be looking for some time alone because of too much company.

Looking for Sex – The 2nd most common reason but one of the worst of the lot. This mostly leads to disappointment once the responsibilities set in.

Under your parents pressure – Again common for both men and women, but then again let me ask you this, did you choose your job, your cell phone, your car, your shirt, your trouser too under pressure? When not smaller things then why one of the most major decisions in your life? In case everything I asked in the above line was true then all I can say is, fasten your seatbelts; you’re about to go on one hell of a ride.

Because you are in love – Yes very valid reason indeed, however how certain are you of this love? How long do you think the love will last with responsibilities? Remember the marriage vows say: “For Better or Worse” so be certain that you agree on the worse too.

Because you finally found a girl/boy – So you finally found a guy or a girl who likes you and whom you like, and you are afraid that you might not find another person; honestly the reasons are same as above for not going ahead with this idea.

Because you got pregnant or want a baby – Think again, what makes you think your partner would like the idea? In case you got pregnant; you already made a mistake, don’t make another one. In case you want a baby; think again, what will you do once the baby is born? In either case you’re using your partner and let me tell you honestly, people do not like to be used and when they do not like something they are not happy and when they are not happy they make the people around them unhappy.

Trying to save someone or help someone – This could happen and it’s a very noble reason too. However, stop for a minute and think about yourself, are you really prepared to sacrifice your entire life to help one person? Because if you aren’t happy at any point, you’ll end up making others unhappy around you. There surely has to be another way to help the person whom you want to help.

For a green card or to get a citizenship in another country – Oh boy! I do know and understand your motive, but think when your partner finds out. Refer to all of the above points then. EVERYTHING applies to this situation.

The right reasons for getting married

Both of you are in love with each other – I know I said this was the wrong reason, but this is also the right and the best reason once you talk everything over; when you are prepared for the “For Better or For Worse”.

You are prepared for the marriage and ready to move to the next phase of life – This is true for most of the arranged marriages. Parents will always pressure you, however it’s you who has to decide when you are ready. The best advice I can give you; do ask your partner if he or she is also ready and is not under any kind of a pressure to get married. There is also a scenario where you do like each other but don’t want to marry just yet, an engagement or letting your parents know should be enough.

Looking for a life partner and a companion – Remember, there is a huge difference between trying to kill loneliness and looking for a life partner. This is more or less equal to the above reason and its explanation. When you’re looking to kill loneliness, its mostly fun and games when you have company. But when you are looking for a partner, it’s for EVERYTHING; love, romance, companionship, pain, pleasure, facing hardship together, enjoying the good times together.

Both of you have the same dreams same desires and same goals in life and are willing to work for it – Now this is what I would call a match made in heaven. When you get a companion who fits this kind of description, you could hardly ever go wrong. However, do remember to scale them for some people do pretend. However, if you did find someone like this then most likely GOD sent him/her to you.

The Great Expectations

Everyone has expectations, especially when it comes to marriage and their married life. If someone says they don’t have any expectations, there’s something really wrong. I’m sure you have some expectations from your marriage and so does your to-be partner. This is not just important, its critical to a successful marriage.

The best thing you can do before you actually get married, is to share your expectations. Even if you are married, or recently got married it’s a good idea to share your expectations and let your partner also put across their expectations. So that there is no guess work involved; guesses lead to disappointment and disappointments lead to unhappiness which leads to arguments; which leads to “you know what”.

The most common expectations are: Love, Sharing and caring, Intimacy (aka sex and romance) and companionship (basically sticking together in good and bad times). Couples think these expectations are obvious, however I beg to differ. Almost all of the couples that I’ve met, all the couples whom I know who have problems in their marriage have never discussed their expectations.

The expectations are not just limited to the ones mentioned earlier; the expectations can and usually also include: Sharing family responsibilities, Sharing kids responsibilities and bringing them up together, Keeping each other happy, Sharing financial difficulties, Sharing each other’s dreams and putting effort to make them true, Taking care of each other in sickness or health and stick together throughout the unexpected changes in their lives. Though these expectations are common but they usually go un-addressed.

Easy ways to communicate

Following these simple pointers you can communicate and put across your expectations and address things before they ever become an issue.

In the starting months of your marriage, take time out to talk to each other specially about your expectations, even if you address just one expectation a day this will go a long way in turning your relationship into an everlasting one.

It would be a great idea to talk about your expectations from your honeymoon too and few of the next trips together.

Sit and talk to each other about how realistic or unrealistic you and your partner’s expectations are and what can you do to fulfill them.

Be honest about your expectations. This is the most important thing about discussion your expectations, realistic or unrealistic don’t matter but being honest matters.

Remember, your relationships can be happy, fulfilling and everlasting if you both of you are aware and cater to each other’s expectations.

Keeping it real

Before getting married people have loads of pre-notions, different ideas about marriage, expectations and pipedreams that usually come crashing down in the years following marriage. Separating myth from reality becomes imperative before you actually tie the knot; read on the common myths and the realities behind them.

Myth: Getting married will make you happy.

Reality: Agreed getting married will give you one more source of happiness, however the true happiness doesn’t come from someone else. It comes from within you. Unless your expectations are fulfilled and your needs addressed to happiness would as elusive as a chicken that lays golden eggs.

Myth: Marriage guarantees romance.

Reality: Every marriage has its good and bad times, the important thing is helping each other and staying together. The romance will come back in the well nurtured relationships under right conditions.

Myth: Getting married will cure your loneliness.

Reality: When the reasons of getting married don’t match and when responsibilities take over love and romance, people become lonely even while living together. So get married for the right reasons in the first place and if you already make a mistake, start putting in efforts and start talking to each other to make it work.

Myth: Fighting and disagreement = no love

Reality: Honestly, I haven’t heard of a couple who never fought with each other or never had a disagreement. However, that doesn’t mean there is no love, it just means they disagree over something and haven’t come to a solution. If there was love to begin with, the couple will be back together with or without the solution.

Myth: Marriage fulfills life, marriage makes you complete.

Reality: Love makes you complete, a meaningful relationship makes you complete. In a marriage you just fill in some of the voids not complete anything.

Myth: Spouses, who love each other, know their partner’s needs without having the need to say them.

Reality: Why do people even expect this? Marriage can’t make anyone super human or super sensitive. Marriage doesn’t give people magic ears or magic eyes which lets them hear things without anyone saying them.

Myth: Marriage by default means monogamy and 100% commitment.

Reality: Honestly speaking given the option/opportunity about 80% (the number varies between men and women however the average is 80%) married couples wouldn’t mind infidelity. There are different reasons for this; however, the most common reason is unsatisfactory intimate moments and fantasies.

The keys to a successful marriage

Every marriage needs to be nurtured with love, cared for, dealt with tolerance, spiced up with romance, served with open and realistic expectations, and consumed with open communication.

Think of marriage as the best dish you can ever have, missing out on one of the ingredients may not make it taste bad; however, including all ingredients in the right proportion can make a marriage the most heavenly experience you can have that too every day of your life.

Other Marriage related Myths

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