Advance guide to a successful marriage; building and keeping a marriage happy, successful and satisfying. - by MaxAxe
All of us get married, try and build a family, have kids at some time in our life. Some marriages stay strong and live on, while some others fade away. Love grows and forms an inseparable bond between the couple however, with growing responsibilities the sense of satisfaction slowly keeps fading away from the marriage.
A strong marriage stays though during the test of time, during the bad times and the good times and the times of self doubt, arguments, disagreements, physical distance, bad health, clouds of infidelity, sad times and zero intimacy. About 20% of marriages across the world will stand the test of time no matter what; About 20% marriages will buckle down and break no matter what it’s the remaining 60% marriages that can be worked upon to make them a success. And that’s what this article is about; building a strong marriage that stands the test of time and churns out a satisfied and happy couple.
Marriage is not exactly a bed of roses it’s more or less like a rose bush which needs to be nurtured, taken care of, fed and pruned from time to time (yes you read it right fed and pruned). If the rose bush is left unattended instead of blooming roses, it’ll shrink and die in a few years. Just the way it takes skills to maintain a rose bush and keep it flourishing; it does take skills to maintain a successful & satisfying marriage too.
YOU have to work on it
Yes you heard it; YOU need to work on it. Some of you might say “oh come on you said about 20% marriages work out no matter what; I know I’m in those 20%”. Well you know what those 20% marriages do work out coz those 20% couples already know that they need to work on their marriage constantly and that’s why their marriages work out.
All marriages in the world face the same set of issues, just the magnitude is different. Every marriage goes through arguments, conflicts and other situations. Most of these situations follow one of these categories
- Sex issues: Statistics show that about 45% of couples who do seek counseling have a major sex related issue. Normally its one or the other partner expects/desires more active sex and in different ways than their current situation
- Money problems: Sometimes there’s too much, sometimes there’s too little, sometimes it’s about the way the other partner is spending it.
- Managing Children: Most couples don’t agree on the way to raise and discipline children where one is too lenient and the other is strict. This mostly leads of one of the partners becoming indifferent or non-concerned about the kids and this leads to a new set of problems altogether.
- Work related issues: Couples usually have different work roles, it becomes difficult to decide who cooks the meal and who goes to pay the bills and who goes to pick up the kids from school or the dance class.
So once again; you’re not the only one with these problems, ALL of us have the same issues. The successful and the un-successful; life is equally unjust to everyone and everyone has to work on it to make things better.
Open up: Agree, Accept, Admit and Improve
Most problems start taking a bad shape not because they are a problem to begin with. They start taking a bad shape when one of the partners is not willing to agree to the fact that a problem exists, accept that they have to work on it to make things better, admit that they might be wrong and they need to change/improve.
Most marriages reach the point of meltdown because partners are not open to one or more of the above mentioned requirements of positive communication. The usual argument starts with one partner complaining to the other about his/her behavior and starts pointing out faults; which leads to the other partner becoming defensive and then makes them lodge a counterattack. This not only starts an argument with no end but also leads to long periods of silence and discontentment, if not addressed in time this could very well be the 1st nail in the coffin of a dysfunctional marriage.
A successful marriage on the other hand would be where the couple is simply open to communication and small changes that are needed to fix. The age old saying “a stitch in time saves nine” is 100% true for this situation too. A happy couple is the one that can not only find a solution but also find humor in their problems.
I’m not perfect, what do I do?
I know most of us would get concerned with that last sentence the common dialog, “we’re not that cool with each other we fight when we fight and we laugh when we laugh. How can anyone laugh about the same things that they fight about?” So you’re not perfect and neither are the 80% people of the world. Here’s what you can do to ease the situation and set right conditions to open a positive dialog.
- Leave messages that begin with an “I”: When you start a message with “YOU”, your statement becomes a bit demanding, it’s like you’re expecting only the other person to be responsible and you have nothing to do with it; when you say the same thing beginning with an “I” it not only shows that you’re concerned but also that you’re willing to take responsibility, willing to listen and willing to understand. “I’m a little worried about our situation. Can’t we put some time aside to talk it over.” This is a good example of what an “I” message should be like.
Once you setup this time to talk (not argue) this shows that you’re sensitive to your partners wants and needs and shows commitment from both of you that you want to make it (your marriage) work. - Be Genuinely Empathetic: 1st rule of conversation, be ready to listen your partner completely and don’t cut them off while they’re speaking. Listening doesn’t mean just the first two words or the 1st sentence.
Not just listen but also understand what your partner is saying, if you don’t understand what they mean, let him/her know and ask him/her to explain again maybe in an elaborate manner.
Once you understand the issue let him/her know that you understand (with empathy), a typical statement would be “I understand how you feel, I know all the attention the kids need is wearing you down, let me know I can do so that you don’t feel taken for granted”. In simple words try to make your partner feel that you are concerned about them and are willing to work to things better for them. - Work on solutions together: Work out the solutions together; don’t think of improving things on your own, for a simple reason; your decision might not be acceptable to your partner or your partner may have a better idea. This not only works out best but also assures your partner that you two are together. Too often people forget that a marriage is between two people, you can’t marry yourself. The same way you can’t make decisions alone that may affect both the partners. Also, be sure that you work on issues that may pop-up hindering your current action plan; For instance, to take the burden off your partner you may have decided to see the kids off to school 3 days a week, but you turn up late from office on one of those days, what would you do?
- Learn to appreciate: Honestly tell me what was the last time you appreciated any action of your partner and let him/her know that you appreciated it? No need to reply because I know the answer. The answer is, “you can’t remember”.
But that’s not an honest answer; the honest answer is “Never”. Remember, I’m not talking about complementing on a dress or on food nicely made, I’m talking about an action/gesture.
Now you’ll say “oh come on am I really supposed to complement on gestures and actions?” Well YES; do you feel happy when your boss appreciates a report well made? And do you feel bad when no one appreciates the work that you do? How about you implement the same thing at home I guarantee you this positive feedback will work wonders.
The next time you feel that your marriage is going in the wrong direction, consider following the steps mentioned above. They’ll not only ease the situation and try to bring both of you in the “conversation mode” but also keep the conversation mode positive and fruitful.
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in JLT by MaxAxe, 16-12-09 18:34
